Playing the Hand I've Chosen

Sometimes, in life, you can't help the hand you've been dealt. I always try to appreciate every one and every instance in my life. I see every situation as a new opportunity.

But sometimes things just suck. Regardless of how good things could get from that point, or the road you decide to take, there's going to be pros and cons.

I think moving away was the best thing for me. It was a hugely dramatic step in my life because I had never lived on my own, much less an entire state and a half from most people I know. However, it has been this step that has allowed me to separate myself from what everyone else wants of me. From all the expectations that other people had of me. It has given me space to discover myself creatively, to expand and develop my experiences, and it has given me the ability to observe my relationships with the people around me: family, friends, etc.

All the same, it hasn't been a golden road. Quite the contrary, in fact. Things have been rough and I know it is a result of the choices I have made and the roads I have chosen to take. I feel more stressed and overwhelmed than I ever have, yet more focused and ambitious to continue on the path I've chosen.

We are once again at a turning point within our lives. When you hear the phrase "The first year is the hardest." they weren't kidding. It's taken determination, cooperation, juggling, balancing, learning, and we still have quite a ways to go. Jobs to get, money to save, moving to do. We have such a long ways to go, but I know we will get there. And once we do we will be even more motivated to take the next steps in our life because we did it for ourselves.

What matters to me most is that I'm happy doing it. I wouldn't change this path if I had the chance, It's just taking some work to improve our lives.

April 2012 Trip to Tennessee

Just got home last night from a weeks vacation in Tennessee. While I am glad to be home, going there reminds me of how much I love and miss it every day, here in Ohio.

It was a really great trip and I was able to spend most of the week with my sister as well as seeing almost everyone I wanted to there.

I took the sister home from the hospital and helped her get settled, then took her to run some errands and get some things done for she and the baby. He's really such a beautiful little boy and so quiet and well behaved. Once we finished everything (seeing my mom, taking her to the store, getting her pictures done), we were able to settle down and spend a good amount of time together.

After all that, I spent time here and there with family members and close friends. But you know how there is always that one specific visitation that sticks out in your mind.

I went one afternoon to spend some time with my Mimi (grandmother on my mom's side) and Pa. I always love every visitation with them. I was able to spend the first few hours, just my Mimi and I chatting and catching up. She always asks me my opinions and views on things and once in a while we will wander off on a specific interest of ours. She recently discovered my interest in decorating. We talked about my different ideas and styles that I have had in mind. She was really excited about this because she's taken an interior decorating class seeing as she has a nack for it. She gave me several interesting ideas for what we have that I hadn't thought of as well as some tips on color scheme, style ideas, etc.
It was a great visiting and she and I snuck in my Pa's candy and nibbled while we talked ^_^

Afterward, they went out and brought me several big boxes of sets of all sorts of dishes. All of them the same dishes as the ones that they used when I was little. Not only did it completely stock us for good in the dishware department, but it's all sentimental to me.

By the time I left on Sunday, I had an entire car full of all sorts of things for our apartment; a new microwave, several sets of dishes, decorating items. When I got home, I felt like our apartment got a whole new upgrade.


Now that I am back home, I'm getting refocused. I don't really realize how much being so far away is affecting my mood until I go back to Tennessee and realize how much I miss it. I don't regret for one second moving out here. I still wouldn't have done it any other way, but now I'm ready to be back and be closer to my family, now that I've had this experience so far away.

I have to say, though. I am pretty proud of myself for how well things have gone and what we're working towards. I am no longer the person that claims I'm going to take a huge step in my life. I just do it.

My current plans for the rest of the time we are here in Ohio is to buckle down. Stay focused and do the things that make me happy. As of now, my happiness lies in keeping up the place we have; cooking, cleaning, saving money, basically acting as a fully functioning unit, taking care of myself and the man I love.

My plans for tomorrow:

• get up and get going 
• take a walk
• drink nothing but water all day
• cleaning
• paperwork

Full Steam Ahead!

So, as I sit here..unable to sleep because my sleep schedule is all fucked up again (my fault as usual), I have so many things on my mind (of course, isn't that how it always works?)

When riding in the car tonight on our way to grab various items for our needy hands, I had a certain kind of realization that tends to come at the most random of times, but remains truthful beyond your own realization until after you really think about it.

People don't always agree with me, nor do they think I've made the right choices in life, but I'm happy.
And I'm happy because no matter what happens in my life....anytime I want something I go after it.

I can't stand just sitting around and whining about how you want something but can't have it. Why? There are so many options and paths you can take, why not go for what you want? You can make it happen if you try hard enough or go about it the right way.

It seems like everything I've wanted in my life, after a bit of hard work and determination (not to mention a willingness to talk to people) has happened.

I wanted to get a job at this place, it happened..
I wanted to go to this school, it happened.
I wanted this boy, it happened.
I wanted to learn how to do this, I taught myself.
I wanted to model, it happened.
I wanted to dance. It happened.
I wanted to completely alter my life and move it from one state to another...it happened.

And now I'm reaching another crossroads within my life where I know what I want...but this journey in getting there is most likely going to be the most difficult one yet.

Some people think I'm silly and I'm just young. But isn't that the whole point? You only have one life to live (that you can be sure of, you pagan freaks) so you might as well make it interesting for yourself. Do what makes you happy.

It might take a little time and effort, but what else do you have?

So, in the next year and a half, Sam and I are looking to some pretty major changes. In the mean time, we intend on preparing our lives and future careers as much as possible.

Full steam ahead, I say! As we prepare for our next journey. :)

<3

Time to Improve!!

I must confess, in the past couple of months with all the changes and things going on; the lack of stress to my job, my feeling more secure and stable, and several other factors, I have fallen off the nutrition wagon.

If anyone knows me, you know that I literally check every label on something before I eat it. I'm always checking the ingredients and nutrition information, not just to keep track of it, but because I simply enjoy knowing what I'm putting in my body. Lately, however, with all the new foods and treats at my finger tips, I have gained a habit of snacking on those instead of having a well balanced meal when it comes time to eat. Granted, I don't gorge myself every day, but 3 servings of Sunchips can be just as bad for you as half a candy bar. It's just simply things that I should not be taking into my body on a daily basis.

Now, before you all get all bent out of shape with my "being so hard on myself" (because that is not the first time I've heard this), keep in mind that just because that isn't how you eat, doesn't mean it's how I want to. Having a balanced diet is an extremely important factor in my personal wellbeing. It makes me feel good. I function at my best when I am healthy and eating right.

Now, back to my original point.

I really came down to this, not only this past week, but this morning when I did my weigh-in. Normally, I weigh around 141 in the mornings, but after the past couple of weeks, I weighed in at 146. This was the deciding factor for me, because not only does 5 lbs have a great affect on my every day functioning, but I worked extensively to get my weight down from the 198 it was years ago, and I am not going to allow myself to fall back into that pit. I worked way too hard.

The main issues I am going to address in the coming weeks are my diet at work as well as my diet at night. I have a tendancy to not eat as much early in the day, and progressively eat more and more as the day goes on. Maybe that is because my lack of nutrients begins to catch up with me at night?

But my decision as of now is to pack a lunch for work each day.

A protein, a carb, a fruit and a veggie.

Now, I also know that the only way that I will do this is if it's simple things that don't require heating. With the shifts I work and lack of break, heating and a large amount of set aside time for a lunch is just not ideal. So here are some options I've come up with

Cheese and crackers

protein bar

baby carrots (w/ranch)

celery (w/ peanut butter or hummus)

apple (w/peanut butter)

banana

100 calorie packs

veggie chips

And some days I can easily throw together a wrap to take in if I want something like that (always a good summer option)

For right now, I feel like this is a good list to build off of. I can mix and match according to whatever I want that day and the previous guide.

As far as my night snacking, I'm putting an end to that. After 9, no more heavy carbs. If anything at all, I can grab a fruit, a veggie, or have a glass of soy milk.

It's always the best feeling ever to take control of your bad habits and change them to improve your lifestyle. :)

<3

Awww. Getting My Life Together. For once. Hah!

For once in my life, I actually truly feel like I'm getting my shit together. Most people don't know this about me, but I'm very critical of myself. There's always something I feel I should be doing or thinking about doing to make my life better and to actually be an adult. Even at 21, I still don't feel like one. Sometimes I still feel just as lost as I was in high school, only then, I didn't even know it.

See, my interests are the most scattered sporadic interests ever. Everything from criminal psychology, to raising a family, to belly dance and nutrition, to books. I just never really know what's going to hold my attention and be incredibly interesting to me. At least, interesting enough to invest my whole life into. I've tried the psychology route. I went to art school. I'm a pretty lost duckling and I tend to spread my interests...well...too far. lol. I can't really help it. I don't want to be narrow minded. That's always something I've known about myself. I want to know EVERYTHING (which also makes me nosey, but that's beside the point).

Over the past few months now, my jobs have changed. My new job is much more reliable. Better hours, not so far away. And I don't have to worry about communication problems with my boss or coworkers. I can finally relax and just enjoy working and getting steady hours. It's shocking how much those simple little things factor into your entire life. Take away your focus on everything. Now, I can actually focus. My life doesn't feel so random and fragile.

I had a customer today who bought a lottery ticket. He told me in our quick exchange as I took his money that if he wins, he'd send me on a nice vacation.

"Shoot, send me back to college! haha!"

He responded, "Even better! Seriously. If I win this I will send you back to college. Paid for the whole way."

I laughed, but he proceeded to get more serious. Saying he was a man of his word and if he wins, he WILL send me back to college."

Now, college is something I haven't thought about much lately. I had even become comfortable with just staying where I am for forever. But deep down there is still that something in my bones that craves to keep going. But that's scary, I won't lie. It's going to take a lot. Discipline, money, everything. Kinda makes my stomach churn to think about it.

What a fucked up system we live in. Where you have to pay an assload of money to work so hard and devote all of that time to earn the degree that you WANT. Shouldn't the will to do so be enough?

But then I also think about all the opportunities I had in high school. Sure, I went to a magnet school. But colleges don't care about that. They really don't. Not unless you have all of those scholarships attached (or a check, obviously). But the truth is, I could have worked so much harder. I had it in me. I'm smart. I have discipline. Now, at least. But when I was in high school, I really didn't care much. I figured, it can't be that hard. I'll figure it out later.

If I could go back I would slap the shit out of myself and tell myself to work harder. Not that I would have done it, but I digress.

Honestly, though, I really wasn't ready to plan my life to that extent directly out of high school. I wasn't a stable person at all and I know that people go through that and all. That, however, isn't really what I'm kicking myself for. It's more the $300/month loan payment I can't afford because of this time I wasted trying to figure shit out.

And now, here I sit in my boyfriend's and my apartment, typing

this, and my life is pretty good. It's rough at times. Nothing is perfect, but we make it work. I'm happy, I have a stable job, we have a wonderful life together, but now we have to pick ourselves up and keep going and making our life better.

Stay Focused.

So, I'm sitting here, 11:30pm Sunday night, on my night off drunk, stoned, and having eaten so much candy I don't want to move.

Now, when I tell you that, I must also tell you that I AM a bit of a health nut. What? Yes. I am a nutrition focused person at heart.

This week was just shit for my diet. lol.

Today marks the end of my "Umm..yea..I'm gonna eat that." week.

Tomorrow begins my 4 week stretch of staying focused. That is my goal. 4 weeks. I know I can do it because I've done it before.

w00t.

I need to tone up and loose about 10 lbs before summer.

So, for now I'm going to finish watching Sleeping with the Enemy and keep being awesome.

<3

What the hell am I doing?

I keep telling myself to wait to write another blog when I'm clear headed, but as long as I wait on that, I'm never gonna do it. Simply because I never quite feel as clear headed as I would like.

It's always something going on in my life, so I might as well just start documenting the craziness. I mean, who's life ISN'T crazy? Especially when you feel like you literally have nothing figured out.

Now, when I say that, what I really mean is, as far as my life has been going, I can honestly say that...I don't know what that fuck I'm doing.

When I was in high school, I wanted to be perfect. I wanted to do everything "the right way" and I was always concerned with the fact that I feel like I SHOULD know what I'm doing. I've pretty much come to terms with the fact that I don't. I don't have a fucking clue. lol.

There are only a few things that I know for sure.

I am in love with an amazing man whom I would not trade for the world.

And I have specific passions in which I want to focus my life on.

Some people might frown upon my life decisions. I get the feeling that my high school principal wouldn't enjoy hearing that one of her "ivy-league material" students gave everything up all for what seems like nothing. But it's not nothing. There's nothing wrong with a low income job, someone has to do it. And there's nothing wrong with wanting to spend your life with someone.

I won't lie, sometimes I have to remind myself of this. Because I wonder how people are going to look at me down the road. I wonder if I'm going to be poor all my life. I have my doubts, but what matters is, this is my life. Other people can frown on it all they want. They can think they're better than me and think that I'm just some lazy stoner, or they can respect me enough not to judge me and know that there's something else real behind my eyes that I desire and I live it every day.

Right now I am a bit thrown off of a routine (sleep schedule, eating schedule, income changing), but I've identified that it is time to set my foot down and get serious about getting my dreams back on course.

So right now, I'm going to go repaint my nails and spend some time with my love.

Until then,

Bunnielight