For once in my life, I actually truly feel like I'm getting my shit together. Most people don't know this about me, but I'm very critical of myself. There's always something I feel I should be doing or thinking about doing to make my life better and to actually be an adult. Even at 21, I still don't feel like one. Sometimes I still feel just as lost as I was in high school, only then, I didn't even know it.
See, my interests are the most scattered sporadic interests ever. Everything from criminal psychology, to raising a family, to belly dance and nutrition, to books. I just never really know what's going to hold my attention and be incredibly interesting to me. At least, interesting enough to invest my whole life into. I've tried the psychology route. I went to art school. I'm a pretty lost duckling and I tend to spread my interests...well...too far. lol. I can't really help it. I don't want to be narrow minded. That's always something I've known about myself. I want to know EVERYTHING (which also makes me nosey, but that's beside the point).
Over the past few months now, my jobs have changed. My new job is much more reliable. Better hours, not so far away. And I don't have to worry about communication problems with my boss or coworkers. I can finally relax and just enjoy working and getting steady hours. It's shocking how much those simple little things factor into your entire life. Take away your focus on everything. Now, I can actually focus. My life doesn't feel so random and fragile.
I had a customer today who bought a lottery ticket. He told me in our quick exchange as I took his money that if he wins, he'd send me on a nice vacation.
"Shoot, send me back to college! haha!"
He responded, "Even better! Seriously. If I win this I will send you back to college. Paid for the whole way."
I laughed, but he proceeded to get more serious. Saying he was a man of his word and if he wins, he WILL send me back to college."
Now, college is something I haven't thought about much lately. I had even become comfortable with just staying where I am for forever. But deep down there is still that something in my bones that craves to keep going. But that's scary, I won't lie. It's going to take a lot. Discipline, money, everything. Kinda makes my stomach churn to think about it.
What a fucked up system we live in. Where you have to pay an assload of money to work so hard and devote all of that time to earn the degree that you WANT. Shouldn't the will to do so be enough?
But then I also think about all the opportunities I had in high school. Sure, I went to a magnet school. But colleges don't care about that. They really don't. Not unless you have all of those scholarships attached (or a check, obviously). But the truth is, I could have worked so much harder. I had it in me. I'm smart. I have discipline. Now, at least. But when I was in high school, I really didn't care much. I figured, it can't be that hard. I'll figure it out later.
If I could go back I would slap the shit out of myself and tell myself to work harder. Not that I would have done it, but I digress.
Honestly, though, I really wasn't ready to plan my life to that extent directly out of high school. I wasn't a stable person at all and I know that people go through that and all. That, however, isn't really what I'm kicking myself for. It's more the $300/month loan payment I can't afford because of this time I wasted trying to figure shit out.
And now, here I sit in my boyfriend's and my apartment, typing
this, and my life is pretty good. It's rough at times. Nothing is perfect, but we make it work. I'm happy, I have a stable job, we have a wonderful life together, but now we have to pick ourselves up and keep going and making our life better.
